I haven’t had any alcohol for nearly 4 months, and this included the Christmas and New Year period. Throughout this time - over 100 days - I have been learning a lot about myself, my habits, and the triggers that make me drink.
I have never considered myself an addict, and never had any of the common symptoms of addiction (such as inability to reduce alcohol, excessive time drinking, neglecting responsibilities, intense cravings). I was a moderate drinker, usually in social situations, parties and dinners. Sometimes also at home, after work and weekends. Sometimes twice a week, and sometimes no drinking at all. Considering I was not a heavy drinker, why does it feel such a big deal to stop drinking? Why have I been focusing so much on the absence of alcohol? How is alcohol such a big part of my life?
These are the things I have been learning about drinking:
Social Pressure
When invited to a party, or to meet friends, the first thought has been ‘How is that situation going to feel without alcohol?’. Until now, I had not realised how much focus I put on alcohol, how alcohol has become a natural and expected part of social interactions. This surprised me. These are good friends, people I like, so why am I worried about spending time with them without getting tipsy?
I decided to carry on with my social life as normal, meeting friends for dinner, going to parties, socializing as normal. I discovered that I did spend a lot of time thinking about alcohol: How am I going to feel? What are my friends going to say? How are they going to feel? Are we going to have fun? Interestingly, I wasn’t worried about the alcohol itself, or about the potential temptation or craving. My focus was on the social aspect of drinking, the interaction with other people. I realised that the old concept of fun naturally involved alcohol. And there was a social expectation of drinking. This had to change.
Medication for Social Anxiety
It became obvious how much we use alcohol as ‘medication’ in social situations. Most people have said: ‘alcohol makes me relax in social events’, ‘alcohol helps me face those gatherings’, ‘I couldn’t spend time with them without drinking’.
Personally, I feel comfortable with people, in small or bigger groups, I am an extrovert. So why would I need alcohol? Drinking is such an intrinsic part of the culture in the UK, that we don’t even question the idea of ‘bonding over drinks’, or ‘having a drink to cut off the edge’. Being with people, going out, ‘having fun’, seems to always involve drinking. Drinking is generally accepted and, as I have been noticing, also even expected.
Drinking as a ritual
The idea of a shared experience and bonding has been one of the biggest impacts for me. I have (probably shameful) videos with my daughter, when we drank countless glasses of alcohol during brunches. I joined drinking games when visiting her at Uni, and went clubbing with the kids. Every year, we host a New Year party for our kids’ friends at home. Alcohol is always a big part of all interactions. I have felt proud for being the ‘cool mum’ who has fun with her (older) kids. But the fun always involved drinking.
This year it was different. I was not drinking. And I learned how much my expectations about the experiences were connected with alcohol. The ritual, drinking together, getting drunker and drunker, louder and louder. This time I was sober. Did I have fun? Yes. By not drinking, I have noticed all the moments I think of or want alcohol. They are rarely physical cravings, but often a ‘social need’. A need to ‘belong’, be part of the group, to feel included and ‘do things together’.
Facing our feelings
The hardest part of not drinking is to ‘feel our feelings’ as they are. Without drinking, we don’t numb them, we don’t avoid our feelings, cover them up, we don’t escape. We feel whatever we are feeling.
This has been a massive aspect for me. I have always considered myself self-aware and connected with my emotions. Without drinking, I have been noticing every single time my mind thinks of a glass of wine. And I ask myself ‘What’s going on right now? What am I feeling?’ I then realise that I might be feeling anxious, or sad, uncomfortable, upset. Sometimes just tired. Perhaps, in the past, I would simply reach for a glass of wine ‘and chill’, totally ignoring what I’m really feeling. However, the illusion is that those feelings will disappear. The reality is that, if unattended, the feelings will persist and grow. Usually, with hangover, there will be increased anxiety and low mood. So, what felt like an escape, turns into a worse situation in the long run.
Other people don’t notice and don’t care
I was surprised about how ok it was not to drink. My friends didn’t care if I was not drinking. We chatted, laughed, had fun as normal. They didn’t make comments, criticized, made fun or put pressure on me to drink. My worries about the impact of not drinking during our time together turned out to be totally unfounded. I wish I hadn’t worried. If anything, my friends were supportive and even inspired by my actions. Most of them said they were cutting down too and some are doing Dry January. If they were saying all that to be kind, the point is that most people don’t even notice if we are drinking or not. It is all in our head! We carry an old mindset of belonging, that needs to be challenged and changed. We need to have more autonomy in our lives and make decisions of what is best for us. And maybe even inspire others along the way.
If people care, it’s THEIR problem, not ours
We are adults. If anyone makes comments, puts pressure on us to drink, or make fun of our decision, this says more about their own anxiety about drinking, how they feel when they see others being strong. We need to trust our own choice, stick to our decision. That social pressure will also reveal something about our friendships. If they are our true friends, would they not respect our change?
We can have fun without alcohol
The biggest revelation has been how much fun I can have without alcohol. This has been the best learning of all. I had been so worried about each social event, fearing the experiences ‘wouldn’t be the same’, ‘they would be boring’, ‘my friends won’t like it’, ‘I won’t enjoy it’. But no, I have been having fun!
I notice that I have become more selective on my social events. I am saying ‘yes’ to things I really want to do and be part of. I am choosing who I want to be with. And this is also making me happier. My social interactions feel more meaningful now. Perhaps because I feel more present when I am not drinking, I now need to be more selective and honest with myself about what I really want to do. And this is life changing!
Many times, during Christmas and New Year, my kids said: ‘Mum, you seem to be drunk!’ I was shocked: ‘But this is the real me!’ So, it seems that my kids are getting to know who I really am, and how much fun I can have. Maybe I had forgotten that myself!
If you want to stop drinking, here are my tips:
Choose the people you want to be with and the social events you really want to be part of.
If you feel so anxious that you need alcohol, maybe that group or that event is not for you!
When you have a craving, ask yourself: What’s going on right now? What am I feeling? What do I really need?
Remember alcohol is not a medication for social anxiety.
Feel your feelings, go through them.
People don’t notice or care if you are not drinking.
If they do, it’s about their own anxiety about drinking. Stick to your own decision.
Believe you can have fun without alcohol.